in which I am not perfect …

So I’m competitive. This applies almost universally, even when it seems completely inappropriate, but I don’t think I’m more competitive with anyone more than I am with myself. Being a “gifted” kid was, obviously, wrought with struggles of realizing that, sure, I was smart, but I’m not genius-level smart, no matter how much my parents told me I could basically do whatever I wanted. I’ve struggled with self-esteem and follow-through and all of those super fun trademarks.

In that vein, LOL nursing school is teaching me basically to let that shit go. I’m literally never going to remember everything I’m learning right now, and you know what? That’s okay.

I mean, it’s not okay because I like knowing all the things, but it’s okay because eventually, I will internalize this. Not today, probably, or even tomorrow. But someday.

My first health assessment test was not stellar. Granted, I only kind of studied for it and just assumed that I’d absorbed what I needed to in class, since I’d passed the first health assessment checkoff (it was a whole to-do). Oh, how little I knew. My professor emailed me to tell me that I’d made a not-so-great grade and that I needed to meet with her, which of course sent me into a pit of despair. And then? I had an epiphany.

Back in my first college go-round, I didn’t care. Well, I cared because I’m Type A and I like to be the best at everything, but for the most part, in my late-teens and early-twenties, I was just doing what was expected of me: attending college. I didn’t have a career goal in mind; I thought I did but then basically just kept with it because I didn’t want to start all over. But now, I care. This is something I want to do, but that didn’t translate into behavior. I figured everything would be as easy as it was and I’d graduate in 2022 and just, like, be a nurse. Well, doesn’t reality have a way of biting you in the ass.

As soon as I’m finished with this post – and I’ll be working on the rest of my Star Wars challenge, I promise – I’m going to study. And then study some more. Because if I’m going to be the best I can be, I’m going to have to put in the effort, even if I’m not perfect at it.

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