in which I watched velocipastor …

First off, this is a terrible movie, and I legit loved every second of its insanity. It’s also listed among a bunch of equally terrible-looking horror movies on Amazon Prime that I am definitely going to have to watch at some point, and for this, I am thankful.

Second, the above poster’s dinosaur looks nothing like the full body dinosaur suit they end up using in the film, but I’ll bet you already guessed that.

But anyway, here are some of my thoughts about this movie (warning: there will be spoilers):

  • It has A+++ dialogue. Example: Carol the Hooker with a Heart of Gold: I don’t know much about God. / Doug the VelociPastor: I don’t know much about dinosaurs.
  • You’re never quite sure where the movie takes place. Like, Doug goes to China which is helpfully indicated by big bold yellow letters, and then inexplicably comes back to … where he was before, and the bad guy is maybe in China but also maybe not? Who knows and, really, who cares?
  • Doug develops force powers by the end of the movie, willing a sword into his hand, and it is quite possibly the best part of the movie. Except for the part where Doug is wandering around a forest which looks eerily like the one he was wandering around in China and he’s wearing one of Carol’s sweater dresses. Oh, or when he expresses shock after Carol reveals to him that he transformed into a dinosaur.
  • Despite the fact his dad said several times that Doug was his only son, Doug has a brother? Which somehow made his dad and mom, who were both murdered by a car bomb (planted by Carol’s pimp for … some reason?) in the hilarious opening sequence, pretty terrible people for erasing their other son (older? younger? it’s anyone’s guess!) There is literally no context here. And Doug doesn’t even seem to remember?
  • I love that the actor playing Doug’s mentor, Father Stewart, has an entire sequence in the movie where he’s younger, and it’s literally just the actor wearing a blond wig.
  • Why was Adelaide, Father Stewart’s old love, in what was I think supposed to be Vietnam?
  • And they never show when Father Stewart actually met Altair, the elf-eared Satanic exorcist guy he takes Doug to (don’t ask), even though they seem to explicitly flashback to Stewart’s time fighting in A War to explain how the two men know each other?
  • The movie may have been poking fun at how all of Asia is simplified by Hollywood, because the main bad guy from China didn’t seem to be speaking Mandarin or Cantonese (granted, I have very limited experience listening to either language, so I could be wrong here) and may have been speaking Thai or Vietnamese, the writing at the Bad Guy Camp was in Japanese, and there was this Korean guy who randomly had a voiceover. My sister and I were playing the game of Guess the Asian.
  • The sex scene was like it was out of a 1990s drama, specifically Silk Stalkings. And Carol and Doug woke up the next morning wearing their underwear, only to have to fight ninjas. Like you do.
  • I need Brendan Steere, the writer and director of VelociPastor, to help me name characters, because Frankie Mermaid, Carol’s pimp? Named such because he is “swimming in bitches?” Top notch work there.

It’s seriously an awful movie, but I feel like a better person because of it. It also reminds me of this meme:

I really do feel so much better about my own work.

Art Credit: Medium, MemeDroid

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